Boy am I tired. My mind has been going a mile a minute since I graduated in May. Filled with ideas of what I could do next. Filled with questions about why the Lord would bring me out of a degree program I had envisioned myself in all my life. Wondering what my current position at TU has to do with my future. I am currently teaching 2 classes at both TU and TCC. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 4 classes total. Now, traditionally--4 classes would usually be full time. However, since it is split between 2 colleges, I am simply part time at both campuses. If you have ever been in any part of academia (whether it be an undergrad or a grad student) you know that status means a lot. And by status, I mean degree. It is not as likely for me to get a full time position (at TU specifically) with my Master degree as it would be for a recent PhD graduate in math.
So, while I am confident that the I obeyed the Lord back in January by choosing to complete my Master degree instead of my PhD; however, I am completely UNconfident about WHY this has been asked of me. This lack of knowledge has consumed me for the past 3 months. Night and day I am constantly thinking "Should I go back for a second bachelors?" or "What about a Doctor in Education?". And naturally, I fall into the "what if's". Like, what if I never am able to become full time at either campus because of my lack of a PhD? Or, what if I actually lose my job at one of the campuses because a PhD student has taken my spot? I know I'm not alone here. I know I'm not alone in the fact that I have obeyed a baby step the Lord gave me, and am feeling scared about what the next puzzle piece might entail because it has not been revealed to me yet. Has the Lord ever asked you to do something that you haven't gotten the full "blue prints" for? That's where I am. All of me, is there. Though I pray each night that "I'm going to do better at trusting the Lord in this the next day.." I continue to seek out other plans that might elevate my status.
I never realized that all of this was about pride until last night. I never realized that my goal in all of this had turned from a "look at what the Lord has done in my life" to a "what else can I do to elevate my name in this world?" Oh how hurt I was at this realization. I realized this last night because of the following three scriptures I found in my Bible Study Plan last night..
1 Peter 5:5 "In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because 'God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.' "
Luke 14:11 "For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted."
James 4:13-15 "Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. what is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil."
UGH. That's how I felt last night, and also today. It carried over to today because I see so evidently now how, regardless of WHY the LORD brought me out of the program, I have turned it into a pity party for myself. I have made my Master degree out to be something worth nothing. When in reality, it is still worth enough because it is exactly where the Lord wanted me to stop. What's funny is, I don't place these same standards on others. For example, there are two full-time instructors in the math department at the University of Tulsa who have no more than a Master degree. One of those instructors specifically, simply because I've spent more time with her, I believe to be one of the most intelligent instructors in the department because of her consistent effort to reach all students in her class for their benefit. Students leave her class feeling like they truly learned something, as I did 6 years ago when I had her for a full year. So why am I so caught up with feeling inferior with my Master degree, when there are people performing EXTRAORDINARILY with the same level of education? The devil, I say. The devil. I have learned that this entire process has been a learning lesson of humility. I must humble myself and remember that the LORD is to be exalted in our lives. I must teach my classes at TCC and TU with integrity, and work hard to be an awesome teacher because the Lord asked us to do the best we could in all situations. I don't have answers at this point like I wanted. I don't know what my future holds, or if it will always consist of part-time instructing. However, I do know, that as I examine my options---the Lord desires to be in control of all of my decisions that I make.
I ask, as you examine where you place your identity--whether it be in school like me, or your career, or your kids, or whatever it is, I ask that you begin to change your perspective from a me-centered point of view to a God-centered point of view. God desires simply to be glorified in all of your decisions. If I went back for my PhD right now, God would NOT be getting the glory. As believers, we should desire the Lord to receive the glory above all.
And by the way, I've seen time and time again that the Lord's plan for you is always better than your own. So I am just waiting for that to unfold in this situation, I suppose.
(Next blog topic: Importance of People.)
I never realized that all of this was about pride until last night. I never realized that my goal in all of this had turned from a "look at what the Lord has done in my life" to a "what else can I do to elevate my name in this world?" Oh how hurt I was at this realization. I realized this last night because of the following three scriptures I found in my Bible Study Plan last night..
1 Peter 5:5 "In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because 'God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.' "
Luke 14:11 "For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted."
James 4:13-15 "Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. what is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil."
UGH. That's how I felt last night, and also today. It carried over to today because I see so evidently now how, regardless of WHY the LORD brought me out of the program, I have turned it into a pity party for myself. I have made my Master degree out to be something worth nothing. When in reality, it is still worth enough because it is exactly where the Lord wanted me to stop. What's funny is, I don't place these same standards on others. For example, there are two full-time instructors in the math department at the University of Tulsa who have no more than a Master degree. One of those instructors specifically, simply because I've spent more time with her, I believe to be one of the most intelligent instructors in the department because of her consistent effort to reach all students in her class for their benefit. Students leave her class feeling like they truly learned something, as I did 6 years ago when I had her for a full year. So why am I so caught up with feeling inferior with my Master degree, when there are people performing EXTRAORDINARILY with the same level of education? The devil, I say. The devil. I have learned that this entire process has been a learning lesson of humility. I must humble myself and remember that the LORD is to be exalted in our lives. I must teach my classes at TCC and TU with integrity, and work hard to be an awesome teacher because the Lord asked us to do the best we could in all situations. I don't have answers at this point like I wanted. I don't know what my future holds, or if it will always consist of part-time instructing. However, I do know, that as I examine my options---the Lord desires to be in control of all of my decisions that I make.
I ask, as you examine where you place your identity--whether it be in school like me, or your career, or your kids, or whatever it is, I ask that you begin to change your perspective from a me-centered point of view to a God-centered point of view. God desires simply to be glorified in all of your decisions. If I went back for my PhD right now, God would NOT be getting the glory. As believers, we should desire the Lord to receive the glory above all.
And by the way, I've seen time and time again that the Lord's plan for you is always better than your own. So I am just waiting for that to unfold in this situation, I suppose.
(Next blog topic: Importance of People.)