I have spent many weeks wondering how to word this post. The devil has continually said "You don't need to post this. No one cares. They will only judge you or make fun of you." But I don't want the devil to win. I don't want him to have control over my life. If this post makes no sense at all, please forgive me. I will try my best to put into words what the Lord has done over the past three weeks of my life, but if it comes out in a mess---please just trust that I have honestly spent time with the Lord about this and His Voice has spoken.
I returned back to school this semester for my PhD (see the previous post). And immediately, something wasn't right. I wish I could say more than that, but something just wasn't right. Things were going wrong. I was incredibly anxious. It wasn't necessarily the work that was the problem, it was something in my Spirit. So, of course I come to the Lord and say "Lord, I followed your lead, what is going on?" I started to honestly relate to the very popular song "Thy Will Be Done" which says the following...
I returned back to school this semester for my PhD (see the previous post). And immediately, something wasn't right. I wish I could say more than that, but something just wasn't right. Things were going wrong. I was incredibly anxious. It wasn't necessarily the work that was the problem, it was something in my Spirit. So, of course I come to the Lord and say "Lord, I followed your lead, what is going on?" I started to honestly relate to the very popular song "Thy Will Be Done" which says the following...
I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words
Thy will be done
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words
Thy will be done
I knew I had obeyed the Lord. I was crying to my husband about this and immediately I remembered a distant, completely unrelated story from AJ and I's past. Hang in there with me...
At one time, when AJ was between jobs, AJ had this strong desire to apply at a particular church. He was asked to come for an interview, which was a two day process. At the end of the first day, he asked me how I felt about the position and the church. I listed several reasons why I didn't feel comfortable at the church, some based off of my personal preferences and some based off of what I felt the Spirit telling me. AJ quickly justified each of the things I had an issue with. Not in a rude way at all, but in more of a stubborn way. We finished that conversation and moved on to interview day number 2. And on that day, it was like World War Three. Okay, that's a little dramatic...but still. Some words were said, some things we did not agree with were said. We left feeling defeated. Needless to say, AJ was not offered the position. I called my mentor that evening and just vented about what had happened and she said "Ashley, you tried to convey to AJ that this was not where the Lord was bringing you guys. AJ was not attentive to the Spirit, so the Lord had to intervene and close the door drastically in order to make His point." I do not share that story to make AJ sound like some stubborn person who does not listen to the Spirit or his wife, I do not share that story to talk negatively about a church. I share that story to say that sometimes the Lord has to show us some things to prove a point because we aren't listening, because we are human, because we are imperfect.
At one time, when AJ was between jobs, AJ had this strong desire to apply at a particular church. He was asked to come for an interview, which was a two day process. At the end of the first day, he asked me how I felt about the position and the church. I listed several reasons why I didn't feel comfortable at the church, some based off of my personal preferences and some based off of what I felt the Spirit telling me. AJ quickly justified each of the things I had an issue with. Not in a rude way at all, but in more of a stubborn way. We finished that conversation and moved on to interview day number 2. And on that day, it was like World War Three. Okay, that's a little dramatic...but still. Some words were said, some things we did not agree with were said. We left feeling defeated. Needless to say, AJ was not offered the position. I called my mentor that evening and just vented about what had happened and she said "Ashley, you tried to convey to AJ that this was not where the Lord was bringing you guys. AJ was not attentive to the Spirit, so the Lord had to intervene and close the door drastically in order to make His point." I do not share that story to make AJ sound like some stubborn person who does not listen to the Spirit or his wife, I do not share that story to talk negatively about a church. I share that story to say that sometimes the Lord has to show us some things to prove a point because we aren't listening, because we are human, because we are imperfect.
That story came to my mind and it was like the Lord just said, "Listen." And it just clicked. For the past two years, when I was not a student, I spent most of my prayer life asking the Lord, why? Why did you take me from this program? Can I go back? I even prayed, "Lord, if it is in your will for me to go back, then make that clear to me. If it is not, then shut the door." I was really actually begging for Him to let me go back. And He did open the door for me to come back, but then he shut that door really abruptly and clearly, for a second time, in hopes of finally making His point. I firmly believe that sometimes the Lord will shut the door abruptly in order to make His point. I am grateful for this because I know that He is saving me for something else. I have sought wise counsel on this and a particular person said to me, "Ashley, being capable of this, and not being interested in this are two different things." Again, an "aha" moment. I have been so stubborn (unknowingly) pursuing something that I thought I had wanted for so long. But it seemed I had only been hanging on to it because I thought I had wanted it for so long. Make sense? It was as if I was afraid to say, "I really don't want this anymore." Thus, I am stepping down from the PhD program based on the Lord's leading, after having followed His lead to enter the program, only to learn a really tough lesson: Trust Him. The Lord is so faithful. He provided so many supportive people during this season. On one of the hardest days, a sweet girl texted me and simply said "You are on my heart, I am praying for you" and she had no idea what was actually going on. It meant so much to me to hear those words (SG). Not many people do know about my decision to leave. I am only just now becoming comfortable telling others...not out of embarrassment or shame, but simply because I am still having trouble describing the (wonderful) work the Lord has been doing in my life. I don't have many answers at this point about why, or what now. But I am okay with that. (...something I would not have been okay with a couple of years ago...). I am so grateful for this semester. I have learned so much about myself, and about what kind of teacher I want to be, and about others, and most importantly about the Lord and His faithfulness. So many of you have walked alongside me during this journey since day one and I am so appreciative of your kindness and encouragement through every season. I appreciate the dear friends of mine who are remaining in the PhD program (some close to finishing) for supporting me as well. The Lord's closed doors are usually a blessing in disguise. My husband and I turned away from that particular church from the earlier story and were blessed by becoming a part of another church that we are so incredibly in love with it's crazy! I know that the Lord is capable of doing the same thing in my life in regards to school. On to the next thing :-)