This post is the product of what the Lord has been doing in my life for exactly 10 days now. Many of you know that I love school. I love academia, I love to learn and challenge myself. I have been in the PhD program for one full semester now, and the ultimate plan is [was] to teach at the upper university level.
Well, this was the plan up until 10 days ago. I wish I could explain in words exactly what changed things. The only credit I give is to God. 10 days ago I started back at TU after the winter break. Just like every semester, the first day was filled with classes, meetings, teaching assistant preparations, etc. Busy busy. However, by the end of the day, I was sitting in my chair--almost in tears. Nothing had provoked these tears, nothing had happened to have caused them. I heard a voice, which I am attributing to the Holy Spirit, ask "Ashley, What are you doing? What are you doing here?"
Well, this was the plan up until 10 days ago. I wish I could explain in words exactly what changed things. The only credit I give is to God. 10 days ago I started back at TU after the winter break. Just like every semester, the first day was filled with classes, meetings, teaching assistant preparations, etc. Busy busy. However, by the end of the day, I was sitting in my chair--almost in tears. Nothing had provoked these tears, nothing had happened to have caused them. I heard a voice, which I am attributing to the Holy Spirit, ask "Ashley, What are you doing? What are you doing here?"
Throughout that evening, I was just wrestling. Wrestling with the Lord, wrestling with myself. I was trying to figure out why I no longer, all of a sudden, had a desire to pursue my PhD. I was up all night praying, seeking answers. I talked with a dear friend of mine, Kim, who is actually teaching at the University of Tulsa and was one of my TA's when I was an undergrad. She is a believer as well. I discovered, through massive amounts of prayer, the spirit's leading, and a change of desire, that the Lord no longer wanted me to pursue this PhD degree. I talked with my friend, and she said, at the end of our conversation, "Ashley, it sounds like YOU are at peace with your decision." I responded with, "I'm at peace, yes. But everyone else won't be."
As soon as the Lord made it clear to me that I was making the right decision, I began worrying what others would think. How would I tell my PhD advisor? How would I tell my dear office mate? How would I inform my parents? Satan so quickly intervened and said "You can't do this Ashley. You can't change your mind, what will people think of you?" So, Tuesday night I was up all night again. Running through my lines. Practicing how I would tell my professors.
I began to learn that I no longer desired to do the research required of the PhD. I desired, now, simply to teach. I'm not sure how, or where. I just know that THAT desire has remained intact. My desire to contribute to my family more has grown. AJ has been the sole caretaker of our family, as it probably should be, biblically. However, as long as I'm in school, we can never pay off the things we need to pay off. He cannot go to school while I am in school, because one of us must be working full time. ALL of these things came to me in these 48 hours. (Can you say emotional roller coaster?). I know some people will disagree with my decision. Not many people know at this point besides my family and the people I work with. Some people will say "She's just trying to take the easy way out. She wasn't willing to do the work it took to get the PhD." Well, to those people I will flash my transcript and show you my 4.0 GPA for my graduate classes. It's not that I COULDN'T do the research it took to get a PhD, it's that I no longer desired to. Why waste the professors' time if my heart is not in it? I'll put it this way...if I remained where I am right now for the next 3 years to finish the PhD, I would legitimately resent math with all of my being. I will NOT allow that to happen, because that is such a huge part of what I love to do. My dear friend Emilie shared with me the above quote, which was much needed at that time in this circumstance.
As soon as the Lord made it clear to me that I was making the right decision, I began worrying what others would think. How would I tell my PhD advisor? How would I tell my dear office mate? How would I inform my parents? Satan so quickly intervened and said "You can't do this Ashley. You can't change your mind, what will people think of you?" So, Tuesday night I was up all night again. Running through my lines. Practicing how I would tell my professors.
I began to learn that I no longer desired to do the research required of the PhD. I desired, now, simply to teach. I'm not sure how, or where. I just know that THAT desire has remained intact. My desire to contribute to my family more has grown. AJ has been the sole caretaker of our family, as it probably should be, biblically. However, as long as I'm in school, we can never pay off the things we need to pay off. He cannot go to school while I am in school, because one of us must be working full time. ALL of these things came to me in these 48 hours. (Can you say emotional roller coaster?). I know some people will disagree with my decision. Not many people know at this point besides my family and the people I work with. Some people will say "She's just trying to take the easy way out. She wasn't willing to do the work it took to get the PhD." Well, to those people I will flash my transcript and show you my 4.0 GPA for my graduate classes. It's not that I COULDN'T do the research it took to get a PhD, it's that I no longer desired to. Why waste the professors' time if my heart is not in it? I'll put it this way...if I remained where I am right now for the next 3 years to finish the PhD, I would legitimately resent math with all of my being. I will NOT allow that to happen, because that is such a huge part of what I love to do. My dear friend Emilie shared with me the above quote, which was much needed at that time in this circumstance.
I was in tears telling my professors. I had quite a list of people to tell. I had to inform the dean of the math department, my enrollment advisor, my two PhD advisors, and the dean of the graduate school. I wasn't sure how to tell them. We aren't a religious university, so I couldn't necessarily say "The Lord is leading me to quit the Phd program." Some probably would not have understood this. So, I said the following, "There are some things in my life that are going to prevent me from finishing the PhD program at this time." The reactions I received were completely opposite than what many of us expected. Many of us expected disappointment, anger, etc. Each one of them were fully supportive and asked if there was anything THEY could do to ease the stress going on in my life. My PhD advisor was the one I was most worried about. I respect this man more than anyone else at that University. He is the most brilliant professor I have ever had, and incredibly polite. He informed me that this was my decision. He encouraged me by saying that I am certainly PhD material, and that he hopes in the future I would come back and finish. He knows its not about NOT being able to do the work, but simply if my life would allow it. This day was way more humbling than I expected. It is crazy how you are rewarded when you follow the Lord's leading.
So, the new plan is the following: I will graduate in May with my Masters degree. I will remain enrolled as a PhD student so that, should I change my mind in the next several years, I will still have the standing at TU to be readmitted and to finish my degree. The dean of the graduate school created this plan, and it is a humbling plan for sure. I am grateful for the respect I have received as this decision has been made. I firmly believe it was the Lord's will to have been a part of the PhD program in the first place. I believe that He planned on intervening on this "perfect plan" I had set up for my future. Unfortunately, our plans just have no aligned. And I have to do my best to be obedient to His, much better, plan. I am not sure what the future holds. I'm not sure where I will end up. Other thoughts have popped up such as a Masters in Education, possibly a Masters in Womens and Gender Studies. Might become certified in the State of Oklahoma to teach in public schools. I am praying about all of this and seeking the Lord's direction in my life. I sincerely wish to work at TCC as a professor of math. But whether that will be available or not is the issue. I am grateful for my siblings, my parents, my spouse for being so incredibly supportive. My older sister put it this way: "You have yet to live life." So live life, I will!
So, the new plan is the following: I will graduate in May with my Masters degree. I will remain enrolled as a PhD student so that, should I change my mind in the next several years, I will still have the standing at TU to be readmitted and to finish my degree. The dean of the graduate school created this plan, and it is a humbling plan for sure. I am grateful for the respect I have received as this decision has been made. I firmly believe it was the Lord's will to have been a part of the PhD program in the first place. I believe that He planned on intervening on this "perfect plan" I had set up for my future. Unfortunately, our plans just have no aligned. And I have to do my best to be obedient to His, much better, plan. I am not sure what the future holds. I'm not sure where I will end up. Other thoughts have popped up such as a Masters in Education, possibly a Masters in Womens and Gender Studies. Might become certified in the State of Oklahoma to teach in public schools. I am praying about all of this and seeking the Lord's direction in my life. I sincerely wish to work at TCC as a professor of math. But whether that will be available or not is the issue. I am grateful for my siblings, my parents, my spouse for being so incredibly supportive. My older sister put it this way: "You have yet to live life." So live life, I will!