Well, this was the plan up until 10 days ago. I wish I could explain in words exactly what changed things. The only credit I give is to God. 10 days ago I started back at TU after the winter break. Just like every semester, the first day was filled with classes, meetings, teaching assistant preparations, etc. Busy busy. However, by the end of the day, I was sitting in my chair--almost in tears. Nothing had provoked these tears, nothing had happened to have caused them. I heard a voice, which I am attributing to the Holy Spirit, ask "Ashley, What are you doing? What are you doing here?"
As soon as the Lord made it clear to me that I was making the right decision, I began worrying what others would think. How would I tell my PhD advisor? How would I tell my dear office mate? How would I inform my parents? Satan so quickly intervened and said "You can't do this Ashley. You can't change your mind, what will people think of you?" So, Tuesday night I was up all night again. Running through my lines. Practicing how I would tell my professors.
I began to learn that I no longer desired to do the research required of the PhD. I desired, now, simply to teach. I'm not sure how, or where. I just know that THAT desire has remained intact. My desire to contribute to my family more has grown. AJ has been the sole caretaker of our family, as it probably should be, biblically. However, as long as I'm in school, we can never pay off the things we need to pay off. He cannot go to school while I am in school, because one of us must be working full time. ALL of these things came to me in these 48 hours. (Can you say emotional roller coaster?). I know some people will disagree with my decision. Not many people know at this point besides my family and the people I work with. Some people will say "She's just trying to take the easy way out. She wasn't willing to do the work it took to get the PhD." Well, to those people I will flash my transcript and show you my 4.0 GPA for my graduate classes. It's not that I COULDN'T do the research it took to get a PhD, it's that I no longer desired to. Why waste the professors' time if my heart is not in it? I'll put it this way...if I remained where I am right now for the next 3 years to finish the PhD, I would legitimately resent math with all of my being. I will NOT allow that to happen, because that is such a huge part of what I love to do. My dear friend Emilie shared with me the above quote, which was much needed at that time in this circumstance.
So, the new plan is the following: I will graduate in May with my Masters degree. I will remain enrolled as a PhD student so that, should I change my mind in the next several years, I will still have the standing at TU to be readmitted and to finish my degree. The dean of the graduate school created this plan, and it is a humbling plan for sure. I am grateful for the respect I have received as this decision has been made. I firmly believe it was the Lord's will to have been a part of the PhD program in the first place. I believe that He planned on intervening on this "perfect plan" I had set up for my future. Unfortunately, our plans just have no aligned. And I have to do my best to be obedient to His, much better, plan. I am not sure what the future holds. I'm not sure where I will end up. Other thoughts have popped up such as a Masters in Education, possibly a Masters in Womens and Gender Studies. Might become certified in the State of Oklahoma to teach in public schools. I am praying about all of this and seeking the Lord's direction in my life. I sincerely wish to work at TCC as a professor of math. But whether that will be available or not is the issue. I am grateful for my siblings, my parents, my spouse for being so incredibly supportive. My older sister put it this way: "You have yet to live life." So live life, I will!